Old Crow: $9.49, 80 Proof, BSBB Rating: 1.5 Stars

This drink doesn't smell sweet like the last one… it just smells like rubbing alcohol and regret.

I was so distracted by this horrible whiskey I forgot to take a picture of it. Here's garbage because that's all Old Crow was

This bourbon is watery like Ezra Brooks, but it tastes so much worse.

After only a couple sips I felt sick, like my body wanted me to stop what I was doing. This Old Crow is unpleasant all around; it smells bad, tastes terrible, and I genuinely hate everyone in the distillery that helped bring this bottle into my life. I tried to just distract myself from the horrible flavor until the ol’ whiskey magic smoothed out my palate but even that proved difficult.

I finished my first glass with a grimace, and I seriously considered ending the blog. What started as a fun bourbon-filled adventure quickly took a detour into Shit Town, and I had to swallow it all. I actually went online to see if anyone else had reviewed Old Crow, to gauge the public’s reaction to the toxic drink. I was disappointed to find this guy Will Gordon had already reviewed it…and he liked it. It took me a few minutes to sort through his obnoxious writing style where he first described exactly how much chicken he bought at the store that day (three pounds? Wow!) but eventually I found his opinion of the bourbon at the bottom of the page. He described the Crow’s flavor as “buttered toast.” …Seriously? If Will wipes his ass with buttered toast before eating it then I guess I see what he means.

The only thing more disappointing than finding this guy’s positive review of a horrendous drink was his tagline at the top of the page… “Will Gordon drinks his way through the bottom shelf of the liquor store…so you don’t have to.” God damn it. I honestly thought my line “I find the best of the worst so you don’t have to” was original, but apparently I was wrong. Starting today, I’m “Bottom Shelf Bourbon Boy: I find the best of the worst to quench my thirst” …That’s right Will, my line actually rhymes. 

PROS

• If you hate somebody you can offer them some Old Crow. After they try it they’ll never ask you for anything again, and they’ll probably be out of your life for good.
• If you write a mundane blog about how boring your life is then Old Crow might taste like buttered toast.

CONS

• Tastes like garbage
• Hard to get down
• Nauseating

AND?

Don’t drink this whiskey straight. Don’t drink this whiskey at all. Old Crow is clearly meant for people that have never tried bourbon, and I guarantee most will never try it again. Still though, I’m reluctant to give this drink my lowest rating (1 star) because there could be an even worse whiskey out there, and I’m just getting started. I give it 1.5 stars and a wag of the finger; shame on you, Old Crow… I trusted you.